Yet another interpretation of “if programming languages were..”.
This time it is about programming languages as weapons.
Perl is a molotov cocktail, it was probably useful once, but few people use it now.
Ruby is a ruby encrusted sword, it is usually only used because of how shiny it is.
PHP is a hose, you usually plug one end into a car exhaust, and the other you stick in through a window and then you sit in the car and turn the engine on.
Prolog is an AI weapon, you tell it what to do, which it does but then it also builds some terminators to go back in time and kill your mom.
JavaScript is a sword without a hilt.
And some links from the oldies: